When Yes and No Are the Only Words that Work
January 22nd, 2010 | 
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This is another story about learning about words that work as they relate to taking care of the elderly who are cognitively impaired, which in my case is my mom. Mom lives at home, and since 2006 she has had home health aides who provide 24/7 care. I manage the human resources functions and am the liaison with the aides.
Throughout, I have been applying the practices and principles I use in my work doing business coaching, life coaching and transitions coaching, especially as I learn to adapt communication skills to mom’s memory loss. As part of creating a sense of safety, early on mom and I co-created a ritual in which we engage in during daily conversations.
After our ritual greeting, mom says, “Don’t ask me any questions about what I did today because I don’t remember.” I comply, and we talk about what I did.
In 2009 we used an agency to identify candidates and conduct the initial screenings, after which I interviewed prospects by telephone and if possible in person. The turnover rate of the aides was high.
At the beginning of this year once again we needed to hire a new person. I interviewed two candidates by phone and then in person at my mom’s. Both my brothers were able to participate in the interviews at mom’s house. Satisfied with our selection, the new person began work a few days later.
After our ritual greeting on the third day with the new aide, mom said, “Ask me some questions.”
What a dramatic departure. So, I went with a standard, “What did you have for dinner?” She answered with, “I don’t remember. Ask me more questions.” I continued. “How many symphonies did Mozart (her favorite composer) write?” She gave the correct number.
By then I was sensing she wanted to communicate something important, I asked, “Do you want me to ask you questions to which you can answer yes or no?”
“Yes,” she said. I asked, “Is this about the new aide.”
Again she said, “Yes.” “Is she treating you kindly?” I asked. “No,” was mom’s response.
The next day from the staff at the day program mom attends I learned about the aide’s abusive treatment of my mom.
With her cognitive impairment and memory loss mom quickly and creatively established a communication system in which the only words that worked were yes and no.
Posted in business coaching, personal coaching | 
Tags: abusive treatment of the elderly, business coaching, care of the elderly, cognitive impairment, cognitively impaired, communication skills, home health aides, human resources, life coaching, memory loss, sense of safety, transitions coaching, words that work
WOW! Renee… what a life lesson.. methinks more of us should be asking question in the Y/N vein.. My parents transitioned many years ago. Many friends are now dealing with parents who are challenged by aging process. I know this article and the others will help them immensely.
Thank you for sharing.
namaste, nancyB
Please do share with your friends.
In coaching and communications training we engage and encourage discovery through open ended and powerful questions: the polar opposite of Y/N ones. Fascinating circle. Same method for Y/N is used in courtrooms for a totally different purpose.
The brilliance is my Mom’s who still has enough cognitive skills to have led me to the Y/N questions for discovery.
This is a deceptively powerful article. Your mom is truly a very intelligent and determined person to realize her challenges and overcome them so she could make sure you knew her situation. Just shows what we all are capable of when we have a reason or purpose to our goals.
Your mother is so amazing to me!
And you have such an incredible bond…communication comes even without the words, it seems to me.
Renee you are such a beautiful gift to your mom – past, present, and future!