Words that Work

Archive for the ‘organizational change’ Category

Passing the plate relates to exchanging energy in the form of money—we give to others to support them. Traditionally, giving by passing the plate is done in houses of worship and often carries a spiritual as well as monetary message. Money energy is spiritual energy.

In fact, everything is energy. When passing the plate in houses of worship the energy takes the form of money that is visible. I experienced an energy exchange from passing the plate in a non-traditional way.

Rather than receiving money from passing the plate that supports life for others, I received life’s memories. In this case, energy was in the form of a set of plates, one of which is shown.

In late March Mom moved to an assisted living facility where she is enjoying life with her bedroom furniture and photographs and pictures. Last week was time to clear the rest of her house of 51 years to get it ready for sale. Seven of us (brothers, sisters-in-law, niece and nephew) had fun, most of the time, going through truckloads of belongings. Even though my Mom had saved a lot, she was extremely organized, making our lives easier, so much so that we cleared and cleaned and staged 2500 square feet of living space, plus an attic, recreation room, laundry room, storage room, garage and garage closet in 2.5 days.

Among the treasures we discovered were Mom’s grade school report cards, my grandfather’s silk top hat and an ethical will. My daily treasure is using the plates (shown) for breakfast or fruit, exactly as Mom did during the 4 years she had home health aides. When I shared with Mom that I use the plates in exactly the same way she did, she was delighted that I was getting pleasure. In some way she sensed the energy connection. Passing these plates is a spiritual energy exchange directly with my Mom.

In what ways you can pass the plate literally or figuratively for an energy exchange?

Rightline Coaching Consulting focuses on how words work to affect human potential for positive change—how words can create, disrupt and destroy connection. Connection, the weft and the weave of relationships, is often first made without the language of words, yet requires that very language for growth and sustainability.

When engaged in organizational consulting or intervening in a small group or large organization, we look for what is not being said as the source for our best information. Consider when words don’t work, when language reduces:

• Beautiful sunset
• Pure joy
• Incomprehensible horror

A few minutes into her remarks at the ICF (International Coach Federation) Metro DC Chapter’s 7^th Capital Coaches Conference, Patti Digh said, “language reduces,” which I found particularly affirming. Only 5 minutes earlier as part of the luncheon program I was honored with the President’s Award, which was a surprise. Only the President and President-Elect knew I was receiving the award, which was for starting two publications and developing a group coaching program for transitional housing residents. Unlike nominees for the Academy Award, I had no acceptance speech scrawled on a napkin, back of the envelope or scrap of paper to whisk out of my pocket.

In accepting the award, I said, “Thank you to the contributors. For someone who loves words, I will be silent. Thank you.” I took more in with silence than if I had filled the room with language. I hugged the president and walked off the stage, without the physical award (inscribed “For service, creativity and spirit”), which is still riding the streets of Metro DC in a UPS truck.

Some ideas about words and silence:

• Hard to speak and listen at the same time
• If you can’t think of anything to say, don’t say anything
• Silence speaks louder than words

A universal need is to be heard and we use words to generate that connection. When we have a sense we are not being heard we repeat ourselves, speak louder, or retreat into silence. Rather than being the perfect way to connect, silence can also be punishing.

Think of times when you connected positively and more effectively with silence than with words. What clues did you have that language would reduce your ability to connect? Language can reduce authenticity. Several of the people who congratulated me during the afternoon made the same comment, “You are such an authentic person.”

Essential for effective coaching across venues and specialties is deep listening. Interrupting a client’s story can be an example of when language reduces.

Do not imagine because I am silent that I am not present and alive to all that is going on.
~ Samuel Beckett

Recently I recognized the resistance I was relying on while engaging with my Mom after her partial hip replacement surgery. Mom’s default position when she experiences tough times in various forms is to want to die. “You know what I want. I want to be dead,” is her mantra. In response, I have used words to encourage her to want to live. I offer her something to look forward to, such as returning to her day enrichment program. I tell her that God will call her when he’s ready for her to help all the people he has close and for now God wants her to help all the people who are alive. Indeed, when Mom is less depressed she only thinks about helping others.

How was my resistance to hearing Mom’s mantra serving her or myself? The exchange only reinforced each of our positions, mentally, emotionally and physically. I was not meeting her where she was. We did not connect as well as usual.

For years as an organizational change consultant I worked with groups that were steeped in resistance to leadership change or technology change. Recognizing that resistance, naming it, spending time with it, exploring its benefits and costs and embracing it were essential to moving through it and forward to acceptance of the new leadership team and new technologies in the workplace.

Resistance is often more easily recognized when working with individuals than with groups, and is such a valuable place from which to get traction. In helping business coaching and personal coaching clients master the art of thriving in tough times, resistance appears early on in the coaching relationship.

After a week together with Mom, I was gob-smacked when I recognized I was operating from full on resistance. Here is what I did and the results.

• Action—After she repeated her mantra the night of my recognition, I said, “Yes. That is how you feel. I have been responding to you from my perspective. I don’t have your perspective and don’t have your life experiences. I understand and accept as best I can from your perspective.”
• Outcome—I could feel her upper body relaxing, her voice was a bit fuller and I sensed she was calmer. So was I.

Tip: Pay attention to when you find yourself working to persuade someone or influence someone rather than easily engaging in a conversation. This is a sign of resistance.