Words that Work

Posts Tagged ‘coaching relationship’

Do you use hope as a strategy to get the results you want? Think about how much of your work life you spend hoping the prospective client will sign up to work with you. The position for which you are being considered will be offered? That things will work out? Is hope a word that works in business?

“I hope things work out,” is a sentence I hear frequently from coaching clients, who early on in our coaching relationship relied on hope as a business strategy.

Professional in Career Transition—Some of the coaching was around interviews in a job search. My client had been searching for many months without success and beginning to feel desperate. During one coaching conversation about an upcoming interview, the client offered, “I hope things will turn out OK.” I asked her to explore how she experienced herself saying hope, and she responded, “Weak.” By describing how she was sitting with her shoulders bent forward and her eyes looking slightly down she was able to get a deeper sense of how hope was not a word that worked. Through reframing talking about interviews to, “I trust things will turn out OK,” the client experienced herself more positively and within three months had two job offers.

Small Business Owner—Some of the coaching was about severing a business relationship with her most demanding client that she continued to hope would work out. My client did not get paid on time and when she was paid, she received only partial payment. She was doubtful about ever getting paid in full. Yet, she maintained the relationship because she continued hoping for both payment and for “big money” clients this partially paying client promised. My client was overwhelmed, uncomfortable, not aligned with her values, and unable to focus on her prompt, fully paying clients. When I asked her to describe how the word hope was working for her from the purely physical aspects, she said, “My shoulders and neck hurt, my throat feels tight, I have a heavy weight on my back. I am walking in mud.”

If you hope to get clients, a job, sell a product or that things will work out, you are wasting your time. Check out what physically happens when you hope. What shape is your body in? Are your head, neck, and shoulders aligned? How does your throat feel when you speak the word hope out loud? How solid do your feet feel touching the floor? What energy vibrations do you sense when you use hope as a business strategy?

Hope is definitely a word that works in settings other than business and sometimes is the best and only strategy.

While hope may be a campaign strategy that helps win an election, hope does not win the vote of clients, customers or employers. As a business strategy, hope is a word that does not work. In business, replace hope with expect to get positive results.

Recently I recognized the resistance I was relying on while engaging with my Mom after her partial hip replacement surgery. Mom’s default position when she experiences tough times in various forms is to want to die. “You know what I want. I want to be dead,” is her mantra. In response, I have used words to encourage her to want to live. I offer her something to look forward to, such as returning to her day enrichment program. I tell her that God will call her when he’s ready for her to help all the people he has close and for now God wants her to help all the people who are alive. Indeed, when Mom is less depressed she only thinks about helping others.

How was my resistance to hearing Mom’s mantra serving her or myself? The exchange only reinforced each of our positions, mentally, emotionally and physically. I was not meeting her where she was. We did not connect as well as usual.

For years as an organizational change consultant I worked with groups that were steeped in resistance to leadership change or technology change. Recognizing that resistance, naming it, spending time with it, exploring its benefits and costs and embracing it were essential to moving through it and forward to acceptance of the new leadership team and new technologies in the workplace.

Resistance is often more easily recognized when working with individuals than with groups, and is such a valuable place from which to get traction. In helping business coaching and personal coaching clients master the art of thriving in tough times, resistance appears early on in the coaching relationship.

After a week together with Mom, I was gob-smacked when I recognized I was operating from full on resistance. Here is what I did and the results.

• Action—After she repeated her mantra the night of my recognition, I said, “Yes. That is how you feel. I have been responding to you from my perspective. I don’t have your perspective and don’t have your life experiences. I understand and accept as best I can from your perspective.”
• Outcome—I could feel her upper body relaxing, her voice was a bit fuller and I sensed she was calmer. So was I.

Tip: Pay attention to when you find yourself working to persuade someone or influence someone rather than easily engaging in a conversation. This is a sign of resistance.